The Storm, Noise, and Fury

Xmasitis

Sun, 27 Dec 2009 00:41:59 GMT

Bah.
Humbug.

Is it St. Patrick's Day yet?

Happy Birthdy Jimbo

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 22:15:40 GMT

Blueness

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 21:38:13 GMT

Friday I came home to watch Dollhouse, eat cheese, and drink wine.

Saturday I went downtown in hopes of catching Avatar in IMAX 3D. All the shows were sold out, so I went up to River East, got a ticket for the 2pm show, wondered down to Rock Bottom to kill time. I got a beer there that thoroughly kicked my ass. It was a barrel aged rye Imperial Stout. It was good, but too complex for me. By the end I was struggling with it. I then went back to the movie theater, sat for 40 minutes in the theater waiting for the movie, had an annoying woman sit next to me who wanted to sit next to her husband but couldn't so talked to me. I think she was trying to get me to volunteer to move to where her husband was sitting since you know, I was alone and all and it doesn't matter where I sit. Okay, more correctly, she said, "Coming to the movie by yourself must be nice since you don't have to look for multiple seats." I probably would have moved if directly asked, but I came early specifically to get a decent seat and dammit I deserve to reap the reward of my wasted time.

The movie itself was phenomenal. The story was 'eh' but I'm okay with that. I think if the story was as rich and deep as the world of Pandora, it would have been too much. I think it was 20 minutes too long though. Essentially once you see the main character playing in the jungle, you got it... you already see how all these things translate into making him a better warrior. Yada yada yada cue Eye of the Tiger and move on. I was impressed with how the Na'vi were portrayed. It felt like a real native culture instead of some whackadoodle interpretation of a native culture. They also addressed the theory of Gaia without halting the movie to talk about the theory of Gaia. Unfortunately they did halt the movie a few other times to talk to us about things that didn't matter or were obvious. Sometimes a movie just needs to let the audience do a little work.

The 3-D was amazing though the 3-D Buddy Holly glasses weren't sized for my melon of a head and I felt like they were crushing my head at the end of the 3rd hour. Maybe I could have enjoyed the pointless 20 minutes of the movie without my temples being slowly squished. I came home, ate some more cheese and watched a bunch of dumb movies and then Farscape.

Sunday I woke up early went off to do laundry and my car wouldn't start. I think it is sludgy oil getting too thick in the cold. I think an oil change will fix this problem, I just need to get it started again. I spend all day going in and out trying to get it to start. So, no laundry and no groceries. Nothing makes you diet like not being able to go to the store. I have food though, just boring food. At least I have tonight's supper (squash and wild rice). I tried the car again this morning but it gave me nothing, so I took the train to work. If it weren't for the stinking bus, I'd really enjoy taking the train to work. I'll probably take it to and from work the rest of this week and let AAA help me with the car on Saturday. Then off to Car-X for a once over the following saturday (after I get paid).

Two of Multidozens

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 17:34:17 GMT

My 'need to socialize' mood must have been a bit of undigested sausage haunting my dreams, as I'm now back in my more familiar and comfortable, screw-the-world, hate-them-before-they-hate-you, mood. Though I am craving wine. Looking for a wine bar other than Fiddlehead, though Fiddlehead might be an acceptable option for tonight.

I'm going to try to see Avatar in IMAX 3D at Navy Pier tomorrow... probably the 3:30 show if anyone else is interested. Tickets are $14.

Yesterday wasn't diet failure per se, but the calories eaten were in cookie form which isn't the best way to get my calories.

I think my laptop is about to die. The poor thing has served me well for 5 years but now its battery struggles to keep it going for longer than thirty minutes. So that is more of a battery failure, but it is also just starting to be grindingly slow. I mainly use it for web surfing while TV watching, writing, and as my recipe book while I cook. I think a netbook is a suitable replacement. I'll wait until it is dead dead before I make that decision, though.

First of Many

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 22:13:31 GMT

Do I dare discard Dollhouse for something different? I do dare, for daring am I. Do not dissuade me of my daring diversion for Friday; I feel a frisky need for frolicsome devilment. Dancing? For sure. Drinking? Finally! Falling dangerously in drunken desire with lasses of disreputable fiber? Affirmative.

But perhaps a more staid and secure approach should be pondered. Instead of saucy and salacious, I should seek out plans more placid but pleasing. Supper and sips of wine while pining for something I cannot have? Perhaps. Peeping at cinematic exploits while savoring popcorn? Possible. Playing games and snoozing? Probably.

What is most disturbing, beyond my attempts at creating some form of literary joke with my posting, is I really don't know what cheers me up. That's a lie... what cheers me up is RenFair. THAT isn't an option. What is the possibility of recreating a historic recreation for my own amusement? Slim. I couldn't afford to hire minstrels to sing, dance and cavort but as I think about it and do some basic research there is a Floridian Ren Fair at Deerfield Beach, FL in February that lo and behold has many Bristol entertainers performing.

I feel emotionally conflicted by Rudolph's mom.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 14:40:32 GMT

Despite feeling blue, I went to the RiffTrax Live performance. This is the set up where they broadcast the live event as it is happening to movie theaters across the nation. It is really quite impressive and I guess they do the Met Opera like this as well as all sorts of other performances. Not the same energy as being at the live event but it is still pretty dang awesome.

Of course, since I had something to do after work, traffic was backed up beyond normal and I barely got to the theater in time.

All the old MST3K crew did was show various old Christmas shorts (and a pork musical) and do what they do best, pull out the threads of humor that lay right below the surface. I laughed so hard I was hurting.

Of course this meant I didn't get dinner until 9:00pm and I was starving. The IT Departmental lunch was yesterday, I didn't go because someone had to man the phones at the help desk, but my coworkers brought me back some tenderloin and roasted vegetables. When I go home I heated it up in the microwave and gulped it down. I was still hungry so I had a brownie. Then another. Then another. Then another. I couldn't stop myself. I just started eating everything that wasn't tied down. I don't see this as a critical diet failure, but I do see this as I can't force myself to go too long between meals or else everything goes out of whack. I think part of the problem was due to all of IT disappearing at noon to 2:30, I had to eat lunch a lot earlier than I normally do so the time between food was more extreme than normal.

Lesson learned.

The Diet Continues Despite Bad News

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:31:01 GMT

Breakfast
Oatmeal 130

Midmorning Snack
Banana 105

Lunch
Beef Maruchan Noodles 290
Apple 80

Afternoon Snack
Right Bite 100 100
Apple 80

Dinner
Lasagna 600
salad 270

Snack
Brownie 148

Total Calories: 1803

No loss of appetite. In fact I wanted to gorge myself. I think it is interesting that I have different responses to stressful situations. In one case, I lose my appetite entirely and in another all I want to do is eat. I really really need to focus on getting exercise just to deal with the anxiety.

Unemployed in 2010

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:37:58 GMT

I just got word that my last day of work at Jim Beam will be May 14, 2010.

I'm obviously dealing with mixed emotions on this. I think overall it is a good thing. I'm stagnant here. I would prefer to be in control of my destiny but obviously I cling to the security of the job instead of taking the risks towards happiness.

I have five months to do a job search, and 4 months of severance. The company is giving us 1 month with an outplacement service. They are doing what they can to make it fair. The new manager over the service desk personally offered to help with resumes and passing along our information to other hiring managers in the region. He made it clear that he expected us to do job searching on company time - which was odd for him to say but cool he made it explicit.

I need to figure out what job I want to do. I don't think I can work for myself in this short period of time, but I can pursue a job in the field I would like to be a part of. The big plus is I can hopefully return to working downtown.

Back on the Diet Train

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 04:15:13 GMT

Breakfast
Oatmeal - 130

MidMorning Snack
Banana - 105
Apple - 80

Lunch
Turkey sandwich - 270

Afternoon Snack
Right Bite - 100

Dinner
Turkey lasagna - 600
salad with creamy garlic dill dressing - 270

Night Snack
Lo-Cal Brownie - 148

Total: 1703

All in all a good diet day. Felt in control all day. Passed up the opportunity to snack on licorice at work. Showed incredible will at lunch when I opted just for the turkey sandwich from the grocery store. It was the lowest calorie sandwich available. I think the oatmeal is a great addition. I can keep it at work, make it in a coffee cup, get food in my stomach and it is fewer calories than the 180 calorie SlimFast. I thought I was screwed tonight when I was still feeling hungry after a pretty large helping of lasagna. My hunger turned into a search for low cal desserts and I came across a kind of okay brownie recipe. It lacks chocolately punch. I think if I took half the chocolate chips and instead of putting then inside the brownie mix, melt them on top of the brownies so the chocolate flavor would be more directly on the tongue. They aren't sweet brownies which I think is a good thing. I was worried I'd just eat all the brownies, all 1776 calories of them. I didn't. I just ate one.

Da Weekened

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 15:37:41 GMT

Friday - Watched a fantastic two hours of Dollhouse, played some Mass Effect (I'm roughly two years behind the rest of the gaming world http://xkcd.com/606/ ).

Saturday - Woke up fairly early, did laundry, came home, napped a bit, watched some bad TV, did some dishes, went out to Bad Apple for dinner where I sat at the bar and had to listen to the most inane 'first date' chatter from the couple having drink next to me. I admit there may have been some envy in my reaction since she was really cute, but god the range of topics they discussed were so utterly inane. Robert and Rani came by after their movie and we had a few drinks before going to the Grafton. I was going to go to Improv Star Trek but I was tired and ill motivated to traverse over to IO!.

Sunday - Tried to be up early but was up far too late the night before imbibing beer so I played more Mass Effect before going out to get groceries. SlimFast is still not being stocked so I'm really going to have to try harder this week in monitoring my calories. I'm doing instant oatmeal at work in the morning for breakfast. Haven't figured out lunch yet, but not too worried about that. I made lasagna Sunday (not great lasagna, almost burned it to death so it is dry) and have salad fixings for dinner. American Dad had a Christmas show that related to The Rapture and Stan being left behing. It depicted an awesome apocalyptic world where Stan was like Snake Plisken and he and Jesus needed to rescue Stan's wife who was now Jesus's lover. Sounds strange but I honestly could watch an entire series based in this world, minus the really stupid version of the anti-christ.

Welcome Friday

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 15:31:47 GMT

It is Friday.
Last night was complete diet fail. Two pieces of cheesecake, a ton of pasta... so I don't get a Break Diet day today. No special meals.

Tonight is Dollhouse... enjoying the final days of it.

I'm going to make lasagna this weekend. Mmmm massive amounts of lasagna. Call me Garfield.

Last weekend was kind of a wash except for the work I got done on learning the new D&D. I'm hoping to do something fun and will probably hit IO! on Saturday. The rest of the improv world is focused on Second City this weekend since they are doing their 50th year celebration thingamajig. Besides, the midnight show is Improvised Star Trek. Can't get more fun than that.

I've been having horrible dreams at night. I've never been a nightmare kind of person, I mean I'd have bad dreams but I wake up knowing they are dreams are remain undisturbed by them. These dreams mesh a little too close to reality for me so my sense of unease permeates my entire day.

Breaking it down

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 19:10:30 GMT

I suffer a lack of imagination when it comes to my own life and it is affecting a lot of things. I always knew it was true regarding stuff like vacations: not knowing what to do with time off and being perplexed by standard vacation travel. The lack of imagination also is affecting other aspects of life, more specifically the job/career thing.

I say down for a half hour last night and forced myself to write out what I want to do... what do I like, how do I want to spend my time... and it was a real struggle. I was trying to force myself to not put a 'how will I make a living doing this' element to what I was writing down but just write down the basics of what I want to do. Even if it was 'play games' or 'read' or 'watch tv'... just anything that I want to do. It was a shock to me, really, that even free of trying to monetize that I was bereft of ideas.

I abandoned that methodology. I think even though was freeing myself of the monetary constraint, I knew it was bullshit. I've never been good at lying to myself. I knew the end result was to somehow turn what I wrote down into a career and knowing that next step was going to be difficult, I was opting not to take that first step. So I went to bed and that is when I think all the intense thought earlier was having the mental equivalent of standing in a doorway and pressing your arms against the door frame so when you step out of the doorway your arms seem to levitate. I strained against this concept for so long that when I turned away from it, my mind was doing its own jaunty little jig around the ideas that never made it to paper.

This is what I came up with.

a) I enjoy interacting with people in fictionalized worlds, whether it is drawing them into stories or preferably entire worlds or tweaking the view of the current world. This is strongly attached to my desire to play role playing games, write stories, make movies, podcasting, blogging, and all of that.

b) I like learning new things. Basic research, not intense research, is exciting. I don't want to write biographies of people's lives, but I like discovering little known facts and trivia. This is the social scientist in me. If I could do surveys and test people for random crap I find interesting, I'd be more than happy. I have theories I'd love to test.

c) I like flexibility in scheduling my time. The times I am most productive relate intensely on the project I am working on. Mid afternoon is definitely when I'm my most creative. Mornings I am more focused. And afternoons/evenings are a crap shoot and really depend on how much mental energy was expended earlier.

d) I like it when my ass is on the line, when the mistakes and frak ups are truly owned by me. I don' t like apologizing for other people's mistakes or someone else having to clean up a mess I made.

I'm not tying this to 'how to make money' or a specific job, this is free form abstractions to act as guides and indicate what steps I can take to twist and turn these abstractions into something concrete. At the very least point me in directions that will be steps towards something concrete. I haven't distilled anything solid from this as of yet, but figured I better get it down in writing while it was still somewhat fresh in my head.

Diet report

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:04:53 GMT

It seems I'm at a loss without my SlimFast crutch. I suffer from a lack of imagination regarding breakfast. I've always had that problem. I don't have time to prepare anything, so I like grab and go stuff or I just skip it. Not skipping meals is an integral part of effective weight loss (or so the many websites I've visited regarding the topic have told me so).

I've been relying on fruit to fill the void, but I can tell that it isn't effective.

My other problem is I'm eating up the turkey soup I made and I have no clear idea of how many calories are in each bowl. It is anywhere between 300 to 900 depending on how I calculate it. That is a huge range. So again, I try to compensate with the foods I can calculate and just eat less during the day so I can have two bowls of soup.

My weight has sat at 210 for awhile with no real noticeable fluctuation either way. I'm counting this as a good thing because I really went food crazy over Thanksgiving.

Apologies

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 02:42:52 GMT

I've tried to keep my negativity compartmentalized and not subject other people to it.

Not an advice seeking post.
Not a help me find a new job post.
Just a FUUUUUUUUCKKKKK! post

I hate my job. Despise it. Loathe it. So tired of every aspect of it. They dangle the fact that we could be outsourced over our heads and keep asking us to do more and more.

One of the many aspects I consider broken is the outage communication process. Let me describe it in the perfect sense.

A system goes down. Help Desk is notified. The lead tech approves a communication. We send out a multilanguage template. We basically fill in the name of the system in fields in each of the different language sections and the time the system went down. No problem. Now we have to send out an update every two hours that includes an estimated time of repair (or as they say ETA which is ARRIVAL not REPAIR... ack). Of course in two hours there rarely is an estimated time, so we have nothing to so. So the update email doesn't say anything. Then when we have an estimate, it goes out. So even if the estimate is 6 hours, we send out updates every two hours.

Now imagine when multiple systems go down. First goes down at 6am, the next at 7am, the next at 10am. So that is three emails right there. Another set of emails at 8, 9, two at 10, another at 11... you get the picture. None of them contain any real information. And because of the restrictions of the templates, we can't give out nuanced information like if a system is working for some locations and not other locations. Or what if it isn't a system outage but a specific technical problem? Can't do it. Need to use the template.

So we have three people capable of sending out these communications, yet we are also a help desk taking calls etc. So the chances of hitting the exact times of the updates or even getting the information from the techs in time is not possible.

Oh, and the techs who are supposed to be aware of this process aren't aware of this process. At all. The communication process has not been effectively communicated.

I pieced together another way but I fundamentally don't care. And that is a problem. I don't care. What is there to care about? Four years at this place doing the same frakking job. Oh, yeah, I got more responsibilities... which just amounts to more headaches and more things about which to be yelled at but not moving into a non telephone support person job.

I'm miserable. I want something different. Why can't I be paid to be an analyst? What is an analyst? I feel like I should be an analyst if I stay in corporate IT. I don't think my company has analysts... in fact I know it doesn't in IT. The analysts are all in sales roles, which I don't think is the type of analyst I can do. And I am only saying this because I think I'm inches from settling. This is the best I can do.

The First Encounter

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:39:32 GMT

Yesterday I generated five different D&D characters: Chorris, a Dragonborn Warlord, Grodin, a Dwarvin Cleric, Aeris, a Half Elf Ranger, Lyssandra, a Human Fighter, and Chales, an Elandrin Wizard. I had been working on a suitable First Adventure for awhile but having never played 4ed I was nervous about play balance. So I spent today creating a battle map and working out the stats for the encounter monsters.

I was pitting 5 PCs against 12 monsters. Battle lasted three rounds and the monsters didn't stand a chance. The fighter was taking out two at a time. The ranger, using an ability to fire two arrows at once would have been taking out two at a time if he didn't have such sucky roles. The Wizard truly demonstrated amazing battlefield ability. I think the Warlord underperformed as did the Cleric. Clerics always get the short end of the stick though, worrying about the health of everyone. This time around, the cleric didn't do any healing but using one of her abilities was giving others bonuses to their attacks.

I'm altering the encounter to enhance the difficulty. I was playing this encounter conservatively but I think regular players would be a bit more bold in their approach.

There is a lot to keep track of in combat now and movement in meaningful, especially if hazards are in play. I only had three real terrain hazards... a ledge people could be pushed off of, a collapsed section of the cliffside that hindered movement, and a tidepool which people cold be pushed into. I love the fact that first level characters don't feel like first level characters of old. I remember just starting people off at 3rd level just so the adventures would be interesting to me.

Character creation is a bit difficult, though, too difficult I think. I had to rely upon a 3rd party character creator (http://www.pathguy.com/cg4.htm) to simplify the process so I could get all five created. The actual character sheets provided by WOTC on their website in pdf form are inscrutable to me right now. I really appreciated the 3rd party's version.

Now I'm set to design the second encounter of the First Adventure.

Oh, yeah, looks like miniatures are a must. I was using little paper tents that fit in the 1inch by 1inch squares to track position. I guess that would work in general for monsters but PCs deserve something better.

Diet Report and Chez Francis

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:54:57 GMT

Breakfast
Slimfast (180)
Homemade Granola Bar (300)

Midmorning Snack
Apple (80)

Lunch
Slimfast (180)
2 Clementines (48)

Afternoon Snack
Reese's 100 (100)

Dinner
6oz spaghetti (600)
150grams brocolli (60)
1/4 cup spaghetti sauce (75)
1 beer (150)

Late Night Snack
Clementine (24)

Total: 1797

Not bad this time around. I thought the serving of spaghetti was just enough to sate my hunger. The beer I thought was a tragic add on but I really was craving a beer last night. The clementines are a nice treat.

Tonight I'm going to make steak for myself. A nice ribeye steak, medium rare with a mushroom ragout, squash, garlic mashed potatoes, and of course wine.

substandard diet report

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 20:33:19 GMT

Dec 2

Breakfast
SlimFast Shake (180)

Lunch
Apple (80)

Dinner
Cheese+sausage (??)
Turkey sandwich with dressing and cranberry sauce on whole wheat (??)

It was an effort. Trying to count the calories in the dinner food is too difficult. I know I blew the limit with the cheese and sausage though. I'm doing better today, being more consistent with my earlier efforts. I bounced up a few pounds but that goes with the overindulgence of Thanksgiving, I guess.

Food is starting to show up at work now. People bring in the leftovers from parties or departments order lunch and bring the extra stuff to help desk. It will be a challenge because it is so easy to just grab something from the table. But I shall refrain the best I can.

I don't know if I deserve a break diet this week or not. I haven't been fastidious with my eating but I haven't been wildly inappropriate.

If I did break diet I think I would want something that isn't readily available. Going to go through Metromix and see if something jumps out at me. There is a Cuban place on Southport that might be interesting. I discovered it the night I went out for sushi.

2008 Black Swan Shiraz

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:48:14 GMT

Bleu came over last night and we shared a bottle of 2008 Black Swan Shiraz. She brought a Whole Foods Black Forest cake (!!!!!) and I had some cheese and sausage left over from Thanksgiving along with the makings of a minimalist turkey sandwich.

It was fun chatting social media and introversion/extroversion tendencies with her. Sort of felt like one of those conversations I had with Dan (dimfuture ) way back when where I left the conversation just brimming with new ideas.

The wine itself was sort of lame. I am a firm believer that Australian wines are under valued and under appreciated, but this was a sub-par shiraz. Still good, but didn't capture any nuanced flavors at all.

It was nice to have such a simple get together. I'll do this again. Very low key, very minimal energy, no big expectations... right up my alley.

Writers

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 19:12:13 GMT

At times I think I have come to a point where I realize I'll never be a real writer and I think I'm okay with it. Then I listen to Jerry Pournelle on This Week in Tech and am awed by what a writer can accomplish.

They brought up the fact that science fiction writers seem prescient but the reality is sci-fi writers sculpt the future. They are architects that inspire scientists and engineers. It makes me feel that 'okay, I may never be great, but I can inspire greatness'.

I really recommend listening to last Sunday's TWiT ( http://twit.tv ) for some real inspiration. Artists do play a role in our society. Never doubt it.

Thanksgiving and Guilt

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 13:55:31 GMT

My sister and her husband got into Chicago Tuesday night. Wednesday morning they watched his kid graduate Navy bootcamp. Thursday I cooked Thanksgiving for everyone. First time doing any real cooking for family. I brined the turkey, made a broth out of the neck and giblets to be used to augment the gravy, made bourbon sweet potatoes, dressing and mashed potatoes. A very simple menu selection. My dressing sucked. I didn't add enough moisture and pack and fluff it so it was loose and lame. Tasty, but lame.

Friday we went downtown and walked the Magnificent Mile, saw Macy's and Millennium Park. We ate lunch at Rockbottom.

Saturday we went back downtown to Navy Pier, ate at Bubba Gump, and then tried to go to the Christkindlemarket but it was so crowded it was nighmarish and just awful. I couldn't apologize enough for even suggesting it to them. We then tried to get tickets to Second City but it was sold out. We headed back downtown, hit Grant Park, then went by the Sears (Willis) Tower. They opted not to go up to the observation deck so we headed North to Belmont stop and ate dinner at Giordano's.

Saturday night I went to Leslie's birthday part to help her celebrate the big 30. It was fun but I was low energy and was having a hard time staying focused.

Sunday I slept, ate a little, watched a lot of TV and movies.

There was no dieting at all during this time. I ate and ate and often felt sick at the end of the night. I fear any stomach shrinking that had occurred was undone.

I also feel bad about what an awful tour guide I am. Admittedly Chicago in November just sucks, and without committing people to a day at the Museum, there is very little to do in Chicago. While I doubt there will be a next time family comes to Chicago, if it does happen, I'm going to be better prepared. Their trip to Chicago was essentially walking and shopping. Wheeeee!

Diet NonReport

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:45:07 GMT

Around noon yesterday I decided I just didn't want to do diet stuff this week at all. I'm still going to try to make wise choices, but it allowed me to eat half a turkey sandwich and a chicken caesar salad for dinner without any sense of guilt.

My goals for today... clean up the apartment some more, cook pies, prep veggies, and brine turkey.

People ask if I am cooking for Thanksgiving and while I answer yes, at no point in time does it even begin to feel like cooking. Roasting a turkey is braindead simple, making the gravy, mashed potatoes and stuffing as basic cooking techniques. Sometimes I actually make my own cranberry sauce but really, it is a trivial item. All in all, a turkey dinner is a simple straightforward meal. I worked harder putting together the venison meal I made for Leslie and Jamie last year.

Capitalization

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:36:44 GMT

The most consistent search the brings people to my blog is "Cannellini Beans and Spinach". Is there someway to capitalize upon that? Can I hold recipes for ransom? "I have this wonderful dish and here are some great pictures but I won't release the recipe until I get $5."

The other most consistent search is 'chaos creates opportunity' which I do see has potential for actual capitalization - Chaos Creates Opportunity. There, capitalized. Okay, bad joke.

Seriously, I do think I can expand upon the concept, give historical examples and present day examples. Further define what 'chaos' actually means, talk about how crisis is just a type of chaos and give examples like that town in Kansas that was destroyed by a tornado. They turned a disaster into an opportunity. People who have gotten laid off and started their own business are turned crisis into opportunity.

I don't know, is it too positive for the likes of me?

The third most consistent search beyond stuff on Gracian is on pessimism.

Diet report

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:32:09 GMT

Breakfast
Banana (105)
Slimfast (180)

Lunch
2 Apples (120)

Dinner
? oz of chicken (???)
1 large salad with yogurt dressing (200)

Evening snack
150 grams of vanilla ice cream (300)

I ate a lot of chicken, I was just using it before it went bad. I lost a steak I was planning on eating due to time, I wasn't going to let the chicken go the same route. I wasn't too upset about the beef. It was an awful cut of meat... no matter how I cooked it, it was tough.

The ice cream was more a comfort food thing. Wasn't much left in the container and it seemed like a good thing to eat at the time.

My scale keeps getting stuck and I no longer really trust it on a pound by pound basis, so I think a new digital scale is in order in the future, though it may just feed obsessiveness.

All this does make me feel like I am whistling past the graveyard, though. I'm fighting my nihilistic tendency and trying to focus on positive outcomes. Losing weight serves a greater purpose of better health and a better self image.

Maybe it is just me

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:26:57 GMT

Maybe it is just me but there are certain conversational elements that people you barely know do that set me on edge. I've had a chance to experience all of these things recently and I often wonder if people know they are doing it or not.

The first thing is when I'm asked about my educational background in a conversational tone. "Did you go to college?" When I answer yes, and they ask me what I majored in and I tell them. This is normal. When they respond in amazement as if I had said "Astroengineering and Applied mathematical field mechanics" when all I said was "Political Science and Philosophy" I am left wondering if they even know what PoliSci and Philosophy is and just how many people graduate with those degrees every year and end up never using them. It immediately seems patronizing. Of course, I am forced to reflect on similar events in my life. When I meet someone who studied medieval history or French literature, I have a similar reaction of awe, based either on envy or genuine appreciation of knowing something that is beyond my grasp.

The second thing is being praised for intelligence by someone who just met me. I think this is just being polite but honestly the person just met me, how can she/he truly know my intelligence. I don't know if I'm intelligent or not. I'm think I'm slightly above average but there are a lot of dumb smart people out there. So when people I just met praise me on my intelligence it feels like a used car salesman praising me on my ability to judge a class vehicle.

When these things occur back to back, it makes me feel really bad. I feel like I'm being mocked.

Again this probably does tie into my general pessimism. Never trust praise, only trust criticism. I was playing Team Fortress 2 yesterday and was going along just great, until some guy started harping on my play ability. Instead of leaving the game and joining another, I stayed and took the abuse because it seemed like a valid evaluation. (It wasn't, he was an ass.)

Diet report

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:40:07 GMT

Breakfast
Slimfast (180)
Banana (105)

Lunch
2 Apples (120)

Dinner
Sushi (??????)

Some appetite. No food yesterday did not translate into a ravenous appetite today but at least I wasn't repulsed by the idea of food. The sushi tonight should be a good distraction from the norm. Have to make the key part of tomorrow's dish tonight.